A little taste

If you are the type of person who sees that there is a merge up ahead, and zooms up as far as you can go to merge, then you are not my friend. If you have done it on accident, you're still a friend. If you do it on accident all the time - nonfriend. For those of you who are like me and hate when people do this, I've figured out a little trick.

The way the butting mergers sneak their way in is they get a little ahead of you and then slowly start coming over. This makes the person who is driving correctly (me or you), worry that the butter might not see us or worry that they will hit us and so it makes us back off to let the narcissistic driver merge in front of us.

Here's how you do it. (This is mostly for construction merging, when everyone is waiting in a long line, but a select few don't think they need to wait as long as the rest of us are waiting. On the freeway, I encourage letting people merge as they enter the lanes.) It has to be a merge that you know that they can see that there is a merge up ahead (construction sign of flashing lights, etc.). If they can't see it, well, that's where the accidental late merging happens and that happens to all of us. But if the sign is easy to see and you see it way ahead, then you know they will see it. And then you know they are butting just to be jerks.

It only works when you are in the exact right place. You have to be really close to where the merge happens. You will need to be moving forward at the time. You will see the driver coming up past the line of cars so that they can cut in the front of the line. As soon as they are about a half a car's length behind you (in the other lane), you ever so slightly lean into their lane. (Not all the way, but just enough to make them think that you are coming into their lane.) They have to back off because to them it looks like a crazy driver is going to hit them and doesn't see them. Then the lanes are merged and they are not in front of you. You have just given them a taste of their own medicine. The medicine for learning to wait your turn. Bitter medicine, eh? As bitter as the bitter root of some really bitter plant. As bitter as 100% cacao. Yeah. Now that's bitter. Bitter butter battle medicine.

I have tried this time and time again. It works. But not if you're too far away from the actual merging lanes. Because most likely, you'll have to stop again and the butter will go around you and still get ahead. There are many times that I just have to watch the butter(s) get ahead and just think, "It's not my time. It won't work today. I'm just not in position for this impossible mission." But when everything aligns just right, it works.

Disclaimer#1: This act is probably discouraged in the drivers' handbook.
Disclaimer #2: I am not responsible if you get into an accident while performing the above instructions.
Disclaimer #3: Have the procedure memorized before attempting. Do not read the instructions while driving.
Disclaimer #4: Toward any police officers who read this: What? (nervous laughing) I'm not teaching people incorrect driving techniques! No one else will even read this anyway!